Self Reflection

Being in Limbo

I’ve been going on walks recently to clear my mind and appreciate the now. Find me on Instagram

Mind racing, head spinning, I can’t sleep. I lay there in bed regretting the day gone, dreading the day to come. Sleep is a gift I have not been given this night. Sleep is a mercy, an escape but tonight I stay in a prison of my own creation.

I search for the darkness to consume me and relieve me of my thoughts, but I get pulled back to the disappointment of the day that has gone. I’ve been in a trance all day; focus is sporadic, joy non-existent.

I’m in a state of limbo, where my future is uncertain. I slipped into the all too familiar pattern of distractions. Starting a new game or continuing with a newfound hobby all seem to tiresome to me, so I give in and watch TV; mind numbing TV.

I’m paralysed in the moment, unable to move forward or backwards as I no longer know what the route ahead of me is. In the next few weeks I will find out if I have gotten my dream job. In the next few weeks I’ll find out if I have to begin the job search hunt again.

Being in limbo is something I have never recognised as having a big impact on me, until now. I am struggling to keep with my routines, with exercising regularly, with making time for my hobbies and for finding time to relax. This is because my whole world, right now, is focused around my future. The days drift by me, like unwelcome clouds in the sky concealing the sun. I can see the light in the distance, but right now I’m in shade; I’m in the unknown.

I want to look around me and acknowledge grass on my feet, the wind on my skin, the cat pawing at me who wants an early dinner. Instead, I stay fixated on the sky, worrying that if I lose sight of the sun, I won’t find it again. I am not living, I am existing.

But then my head kicks in:

“You’ve been here before Lisa; you know you shouldn’t distract yourself. You know you need to begin to plan your days again to add some structure, some certainty.”

I take my eye off the sky for a second, but panic and look back up again.

“Trust yourself, you’ve spent countless days looking at that sky but it’s only when you stop looking and focus on the present that the sun comes out.”

Reluctantly, I look away and take a moment to acknowledge my surroundings. I feel scared, I can feel my thoughts returning but I resist the urge to look back up again. It’s dark around me, colourless. However, when I take a second to just be in the moment, I see a glimmer of colour trickle in.

Being in limbo is tough, whether you’re waiting to find out about a new job, your exam results, if the person you like likes you back… it’s easy to surround yourself with distractions and take your mind off the problem. You may feel okay whilst you’re distracted, but as soon as the distraction isn’t there anymore you feel low.

In these times, it’s important to stop yourself from defaulting to numbing yourself to how you feel. It’s important to stop gazing up and start looking at what’s around you, what opportunities you have that day because they’re there. Whether it be reading that book you’ve wanted to start for a while, taxing your car that’s due to run out next week and has been bothering you or writing a blog post.

It’s important to take a moment to be mindful, that is to take a moment to appreciate, without judgement, what is around you. To quieten those concerns in your head and take a moment for yourself.

For me, that moment of silence and not rushing into my next mind-numbing activity helped me to recognise that I need something certain in my life right now. I need some structure, so I can be certain about what is going to happen in my day. Drifting through the day without a plan so far has left me susceptible to distracting myself playing games. Distracting myself with games means I’m not progressing forward which makes me feel unhappy, so I then can’t enjoy things I would usually enjoy.

Recognise when you are distracting yourself from your reality, it may take you a few days, maybe even months, to do anything about it but it’s important you recognise you are doing it.

Try to take away those distractions and let yourself be in the moment. Don’t be discouraged if you find it too difficult initially and go back to distracting yourself. It’s difficult to break a habit. Acknowledge how you feel and don’t forget it, one day you will have had enough of distracting yourself and those feelings of disappointment and regret will help you break the cycle.

When you take a moment for yourself, it’s okay to feel scared or unsure of what to do next. You’ll work it out. You may find some peace in the moment or you may not be there yet. Keep persevering. Don’t be discouraged if you’re still at the start of your journey with this, you will get there.

The sun will come out again, trust yourself.

Self Reflection

When it feels like you’re not progressing in life

Today is a day of not feeling good enough. Today is a day of feeling so far away from all of my goals. This is a post written in the middle of me trying to figure out what’s going on in my head.

First mistake of the day, I played a video game – I know, I know, if you’ve read any of my previous posts you know this was a terrible idea for me. I was already feeling a little low as I went out for a walk yesterday but wasn’t able to capture any good photos. I had some okay photos, but nothing any average photographer couldn’t take. I tried to then do some drawing but had the same thing, it was a pretty average drawing. Given my more recent drawings were quite good I felt like I needed to progress forward and not stay in my comfort zone.

Second mistake of the day, I had some chocolate. I’m trying to lose some weight at the moment and so far, I’ve lost 5kg. Last night I got myself some fish and chips as my husband and I have ‘take out Friday’. However, I really wasn’t that hungry so essentially forced myself to have it. I went way over my calorie goal for the day when I really didn’t need to. I didn’t even enjoy what I was eating so it was a completely wasted day of progress. So, I was feeling a little discouraged from that this morning so had some chocolate to feel better. 400 calories I did not need to be eating. Of course, today is now a total write off as there’s no way I can keep to my calorie goal when I’ve eaten 90% of them by 4pm. Might as well eat some more.

Third mistake of the day, I wrote a bad blog post. Or rather, I wrote a normal blog post but didn’t feel like I’d progressed my writing skills since my last post so of course it’s a bad post. To sum up, so far today as been a day of no progression so I feel quite low. I seem to have a problem with not progressing.

I had an interesting conversation with my CBT counsellor last Monday; we were discussing the importance of down time. I had said how I’ve gone from not doing anything and feeling very low, to doing far too much and feeling quite tired and overwhelmed. Bottom line, I was very concerned that it didn’t matter if I was doing nothing or if I worked hard toward goals, I still wouldn’t be happy.

My counsellor asked me what I thought of relaxation time and I said I recognise when I need to have it, so I can recharge and start working toward goals again. She was taken back a bit by how I perceived down time; a way to recharge and refocus. She pointed out that often people don’t have an objective with down time, they just want to relax and enjoy themselves.

Whenever I have down time, I feel like I’m wasting time I could be using to progress my skills. Therefore, I feel unhappy as I’m not progressing. However, if I don’t have enough downtime, I feel overwhelmed and like the quality of what I’m doing isn’t good. Again, I’m not progressing my skills.

Raft

So often we can fall into the trap of not having enough balance in our lives. It can feel like we’re on a float out to sea with sharks circling around us. We need to be sat in the middle to evenly distribute the weight, however we find ourselves leaning one way or the other. The more you lean one way, the quicker the float starts to sink beneath you. Before you know it, you’re slipping off the float, so you scramble your way to the other side to try and stop the float from flipping. However, now that side begins to sink so you once again race to the other side. Getting back to the middle feels impossible so you continue this pattern until you’re too exhausted to continue and fall off and accept your fate.

Down time; time to just be content with things that you enjoy that don’t necessarily work toward a goal is important. Today I am being unkind to myself. I enjoy playing video games as a way to unwind, however as I’m not progressing forward with anything, I bring a lot of guilt into what I’m doing. I feel like a day has been wasted.

As a result, I lose motivation to keep with my weight loss goal. I overeat and feel bad for it.

I force myself to write a blog post which I just can’t get into, so the end result isn’t what I want it to be. I feel bad for not writing a good post.

I have done so well this week with my weight loss goals so needed a break today, to just unwind and enjoy myself. If I eat more than I need to, that should be okay as I’ve actively lost weight this week and kept my fitness routines going, even when I didn’t feel like it. I have achieved things this week, just not today. That should be okay, but somehow in my head it’s not.

However, I recognise the guilt is there and it shouldn’t be. I guess the next step is to figure out how to move past it. No answers in this blog post today I’m afraid, just frustration.

You won’t always have days where you can find the answer to something, let alone know what to do about it. This is still quite a new realisation to me, that I punish myself for down time if it’s not achieving anything. So today is a day of reflecting on those feelings of guilt, acknowledging them and trying to understand what I need to do to help myself deal with them. I don’t know how to deal with this one yet, however I do know that if I keep paying attention to it and recognising when it happens, I will find a way.

Self Reflection

University, Stress and Mental Health

It can be terrifying growing up nowadays as there is so much choice around. The possibilities are endless, yet you feel trapped and like life is closing in on you forcing you to decide on what your career should be.

GothicSculpt
“The hardest battles are fought in the mind, not with the sword.” – Hellblade, Senua’s Sacrifice. This was a model I did in my third year. It had absolutely nothing to do with any project I was working on, but it really captured how I felt. Alone and in the dark, trying to find my way out.

What subjects do I study at school?

Do I go to college?

Will it look bad if I don’t get a degree?

For me, I had never really had any doubt in my mind I was going to University. I had always had a passion for graphic design and art, so it seemed natural to go to University to study Animation. It was exciting; I’d secured myself an unconditional offer at Ravensbourne University and couldn’t be happier.

My first year was great; I was living away from home, looking after myself and studying a subject I found fascinating. I had lovely classmates, not that I was particularly social myself, but it was a great atmosphere and one I look back on fondly. However, come my second year I began to notice I felt a mounting pressure growing on me. I still felt like a novice in things I was doing, and I wasn’t excelling at anything. I would look at classmates around me knowing what they wanted to do, and they’d chase after it.

You’re so far behind them, they’ve spent a lot more time learning than you have. You’ll never catch up.

It’s funny how thoughts creep up on you; they start off relatively quiet, a whisper in the back of your mind. However, it becomes skilful at creeping and you become blind to it approaching. Your body knows it’s there; headaches and tension become a familiar feeling, screaming at you to notice the stress that is mounting up. However, you carry on until it gets to a point where you cannot ignore it anymore. By this point in time, fight or flight kicks in. You either run away from the situation, you decide University isn’t for you and drop out or let your grades slip. Or you face the thoughts head on.

For me, I ran. Come my third year I had been ambitious and wanted to take on lots of different projects so I could really try and secure myself a top final grade. I was still stressed out about what I was going to do after University, but I had my focus with all my projects. I had noticed that I had started to need my partner a lot more and I found myself crying quite often.

However, it didn’t occur to me how stressed I had become until one day when I went in for a routine check-up for my Crohn’s disease (a chronic health condition that, for me, was triggered off by stress). I was told the severity of the inflammation that had occurred due to the build up of stress and not paying attention to how my body felt. I was in pain every day, whether that be headaches from tension or stomach aches through my illness, but I had learnt to live with it being a part of my life.

Due to the severity of the inflammation, I had to go into hospital for around a week. I can honestly say this was the best thing to have had happened to me at University. It was a huge wake up call and reality to check into how I was coping with things and how my mental health was declining. I remember my first few nights in hospital, I felt relief. I was stressed that I had just started my third year of University and now I was in hospital, falling behind in my work but I was also relieved as I had a reason to give myself a break (not just from University work, but from being wrapped up in my own little world, or rather nightmare, for the past couple of months).

Now, I could have chosen to carry on my University work from in hospital and continue to be distracted by my work and goals for the future, however my dad helped me recognise that I needed a break, some time to take a step back and gather some perspective on my situation.

When I look back now, I could see I had gone into autopilot, my brain shut off and me falling asleep at the wheel. I was rapidly rolling down a hill heading to an inevitable crash at the bottom. However, the passenger in my car, my dad, tapped me on the shoulder to wake me up and I applied the breaks and pulled over. There, I was able to think about what had just happened and how I’d gotten to the point of falling asleep. I was able to recognise the negative thought patterns that had exhausted and numbed me to what was happening around.

University can be a very stressful experience and can make you question why you decided to go there in the first place. However, what I have learnt from my experience is that self-reflection can be one of your greatest tools to success. Had I not listened to my dad, my mind, my body whilst I was in hospital, I feel sure I would have ended up back there again, possibly ruining my chances at achieving a good grade at University.

However, from taking a step back from my situation I was able to identify that the thought of getting a relevant job after University was stressing me out no end.

My partner and I want to live together after University, but I’ll likely need to be based in London and he’ll be in Chichester, the commute will be too much.

…I don’t know what I want to specialise in, I feel like I have to choose a speciality to get a job after University.

…I don’t have enough time to get my skills up to scratch before I finish my third year.

The combination of all these thoughts (and many, many more) was making it impossible for me to focus on any of my work. I had to drop a project as I just couldn’t deal with the stress of doing it, thinking about how it wasn’t going to help me to develop any skills to get a job after University. This shift in perspective made me realise that, for me, the best thing to do was to not set any expectations to go into an animation job after I finished my third year.

In actual fact, I lined up an easy job at an energy provider so I could give myself a break after I finished my studies. That job turned out to be great; I got to use my creative skillset and learnt a whole lot more which has made me into a bit of a jack of all trades – master of none, sure, but boy do I have a desirable skillset (check out this TED talk if you don’t think you’re designed to just specialise in one area!).

I couldn’t focus on my third year as I was dealing with the stress of getting a job straight after University else I’d be behind everyone else or, worse yet, never make it as an animator. However, that thought was impacting my ability to do my coursework as I would spend so much time thinking about how I needed to use this time to work toward getting a job, I ended up not doing anything as I felt so exhausted.

I would never have realised this had I not accepted a break when it presented itself. It’s easy to think that you need to be using all your time to do something practical or work toward a goal; however, the value of doing nothing, letting yourself just think and just be in your own mind, is invaluable. I ended up with a First-Class Honours and learning a lot about myself and how I work.

If you’re struggling right now and feeling like you can’t find a way out, take a step back and really acknowledge those thoughts running through your mind. They will tell you a lot about what is best for you. Take away those pressures and expectations and take care of yourself, you’ve got this.