Self Reflection

When it feels like you’re not progressing in life

Today is a day of not feeling good enough. Today is a day of feeling so far away from all of my goals. This is a post written in the middle of me trying to figure out what’s going on in my head.

First mistake of the day, I played a video game – I know, I know, if you’ve read any of my previous posts you know this was a terrible idea for me. I was already feeling a little low as I went out for a walk yesterday but wasn’t able to capture any good photos. I had some okay photos, but nothing any average photographer couldn’t take. I tried to then do some drawing but had the same thing, it was a pretty average drawing. Given my more recent drawings were quite good I felt like I needed to progress forward and not stay in my comfort zone.

Second mistake of the day, I had some chocolate. I’m trying to lose some weight at the moment and so far, I’ve lost 5kg. Last night I got myself some fish and chips as my husband and I have ‘take out Friday’. However, I really wasn’t that hungry so essentially forced myself to have it. I went way over my calorie goal for the day when I really didn’t need to. I didn’t even enjoy what I was eating so it was a completely wasted day of progress. So, I was feeling a little discouraged from that this morning so had some chocolate to feel better. 400 calories I did not need to be eating. Of course, today is now a total write off as there’s no way I can keep to my calorie goal when I’ve eaten 90% of them by 4pm. Might as well eat some more.

Third mistake of the day, I wrote a bad blog post. Or rather, I wrote a normal blog post but didn’t feel like I’d progressed my writing skills since my last post so of course it’s a bad post. To sum up, so far today as been a day of no progression so I feel quite low. I seem to have a problem with not progressing.

I had an interesting conversation with my CBT counsellor last Monday; we were discussing the importance of down time. I had said how I’ve gone from not doing anything and feeling very low, to doing far too much and feeling quite tired and overwhelmed. Bottom line, I was very concerned that it didn’t matter if I was doing nothing or if I worked hard toward goals, I still wouldn’t be happy.

My counsellor asked me what I thought of relaxation time and I said I recognise when I need to have it, so I can recharge and start working toward goals again. She was taken back a bit by how I perceived down time; a way to recharge and refocus. She pointed out that often people don’t have an objective with down time, they just want to relax and enjoy themselves.

Whenever I have down time, I feel like I’m wasting time I could be using to progress my skills. Therefore, I feel unhappy as I’m not progressing. However, if I don’t have enough downtime, I feel overwhelmed and like the quality of what I’m doing isn’t good. Again, I’m not progressing my skills.

Raft

So often we can fall into the trap of not having enough balance in our lives. It can feel like we’re on a float out to sea with sharks circling around us. We need to be sat in the middle to evenly distribute the weight, however we find ourselves leaning one way or the other. The more you lean one way, the quicker the float starts to sink beneath you. Before you know it, you’re slipping off the float, so you scramble your way to the other side to try and stop the float from flipping. However, now that side begins to sink so you once again race to the other side. Getting back to the middle feels impossible so you continue this pattern until you’re too exhausted to continue and fall off and accept your fate.

Down time; time to just be content with things that you enjoy that don’t necessarily work toward a goal is important. Today I am being unkind to myself. I enjoy playing video games as a way to unwind, however as I’m not progressing forward with anything, I bring a lot of guilt into what I’m doing. I feel like a day has been wasted.

As a result, I lose motivation to keep with my weight loss goal. I overeat and feel bad for it.

I force myself to write a blog post which I just can’t get into, so the end result isn’t what I want it to be. I feel bad for not writing a good post.

I have done so well this week with my weight loss goals so needed a break today, to just unwind and enjoy myself. If I eat more than I need to, that should be okay as I’ve actively lost weight this week and kept my fitness routines going, even when I didn’t feel like it. I have achieved things this week, just not today. That should be okay, but somehow in my head it’s not.

However, I recognise the guilt is there and it shouldn’t be. I guess the next step is to figure out how to move past it. No answers in this blog post today I’m afraid, just frustration.

You won’t always have days where you can find the answer to something, let alone know what to do about it. This is still quite a new realisation to me, that I punish myself for down time if it’s not achieving anything. So today is a day of reflecting on those feelings of guilt, acknowledging them and trying to understand what I need to do to help myself deal with them. I don’t know how to deal with this one yet, however I do know that if I keep paying attention to it and recognising when it happens, I will find a way.

Depression

Can depression numb your feelings?

As with all my posts, any helpful sites or information I have found through my own research I have linked on this post. The world will be highlighted in blue with a line underneath it. Attached content is not my own but well worth a read. Please feel free to explore these sites for more information.

Do you ever have days where you don’t feel happy, you don’t feel sad, you just feel nothing? A numbness has overcome you and a thought drifts by “Get up, read a book, do some exercise, do something”.

Depression
I drew this a few months ago. I felt like every time I tried to move forward and fight against feeling numb I always had something weighing me down, dragging me back.

You visualise moving your arm or trying to stand up but then feel a weight increasing on you. Your shoulders become tense; your head heavy… too heavy. You need to lay down. The weight forces your eyes closed as you try to resist sleep. Another thought crosses your mind “Don’t sleep, you’re wasting the day. This won’t help, it never does… get up”. For a brief moment you consider listening but that invisible weight pushes you down further. It’s too late now, you’re exhausted and so you lay there. You’re paralysed in the grip of depression with no desire to do anything about it.

A common misconception about depression is that someone who suffers from it just ‘feels sad’. Whilst that may be true for some, that may not be the only way it affects someone. You may feel sad; you may feel angry… or you may feel nothing. This is my experience of depression and for me it is by far the most debilitating. When you feel nothing, you feel no desire to do anything to try and change how you feel.

When you’re angry you may shout, you may hit something. Likewise, when you’re sad you may cry. You have more desire and energy to do something about how you feel as you’re feeling it quite intensely and want it to stop. You may reach out to someone to talk or express yourself through a creative project, such as a drawing (or writing a blog!). However, when you feel numb there is no outlet. There is no driving emotion pushing you to do something about how you feel, there is just nothing.

I have lost countless days to feeling nothing and just waiting to go to sleep. Going on social media to distract myself from boredom, putting on a mind-numbing show I really have no attention span for. Just waiting until I can fall asleep and go through the same routine the next day. It’s uncomfortable, but you end up feeling so crippled by feeling tired that you can’t do anything.

I don’t think everyone starts off by feeling numb, but rather it creeps up on you when you continuously cycle through feeling low. Looking back for me, I can see it came through habit, through routine. I would choose to indulge in an easy activity which didn’t require me to think much, such as playing a video game instead of challenging myself or working toward a goal. I would then feel bad for not doing anything productive.

Initially this wouldn’t last for long; I would feel low but then bounce back to feeling like my normal self. However, the more I chose the easy option, the harder it would get and the longer it would take for me to bounce back. Then the feelings of guilt and sadness started to become overwhelming, so I would try to distance myself from them. I would distract myself by going on social media or binge watching a TV show. I was opening the door and welcoming in the numbness. Then, before I knew it, numbness had become an unwelcome guest in my home. When I would ask it to leave, I would see sadness lurking behind it and waiting to come back in. I would immediately slam the door shut and ask numbness to once again take a seat.

The cycle of feeling numb continued for months on end, each time getting worse and worse until I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I uninstalled Facebook on my phone, I prevented myself from watching any video game streamers online and I sat there in bed and let myself think. Then, sadness slowly creeped back in and I found myself in tears not knowing why I was crying. I felt awful, but this needed to happen. I needed to feel something. After about half an hour of crying, I switched on my laptop and started looking up why I felt so numb and began my journey with my fight against depression.

I’d like to say “from that day I was cured, I realised that I needed to feel to make myself do something about my situation” but that wasn’t true. It made me realise that I couldn’t carry on feeling nothing. I had to take away the things that made me feel numb and it was tough. Some days I succeeded and felt like crap, some days I succeeded and felt good, and others I gave in and fell back into my routine which led me to feeling numb. It’s still a daily challenge for me now, but there is definitely progress from this time last year.

Today I woke up feeling low, so I jumped on a video game to make me feel better. However, I knew in my mind that it wasn’t what I should be doing. However, I spent half a day playing it and to top it off, I ordered a Dominos which made me feel awful as I am trying to eat better. The numbness very quickly came creeping back in when I started to feel horrible, it is well versed in knowing when to take over my mind.

However, I stopped it from taking any further hold as I knew where this road went. I couldn’t write my blog, I felt far too tired, so I went outside to sit in the sun and listened to an audio book (too tired to physically read a book so listening was the next best thing!). After about an hour of doing that, I turned on my laptop and wrote this blog post. I then took a break and did a workout outside which was a goal I’d set myself to do yesterday. I may have messed up half the day, but I wasn’t prepared to let the whole day be a write off.

This discipline that I’m working on developing came from firstly recognising my patterns. Understanding what was leading me to feel numb. Secondly, I tried and ‘failed’ a countless number of times with breaking that pattern. Initially it’s very demotivating when you fail as you feel like you’re back to square one, however you’re not. You’ve gained experience from trying and failing today, and tomorrow that will be in your head. You may win or you may lose tomorrows fight, it’s different for everyone, but what’s important is to recognise that you are trying and remember those failures. You can learn from them.

Historically as soon as I felt numb that would be it, the day was written off. However today, for the first time, I fought it off. I let myself feel and allowed myself time to work through that by choosing something easier to do but was still a goal I had for myself: to read more books… listening still counts!

I’ve learnt a lot over the last year and progression doesn’t always seem apparent, but as long as you are trying, and you are remembering those failures (even if they hurt) and are learning from them then you are progressing forward.

Recognise your pattern.

Fight against those thoughts keeping you locked in your pattern, they are not who you are.

Keep fighting, you will overcome them.